5 Tips for Queer Dating

Over the past few years, the size of the LGBTQ+ community has grown, and this means that there are many more bisexual women than there were in the past. This isn’t something that is just seen, but it’s something that is backed up by statistics and surveys.
Despite their numbers and the increases, coming out can still be hard. This can leave you feeling scared, nervous and excited and wondering what it will be like to do queer dating.
Maybe you came out and you felt foolish about your sexual orientation based on religious trauma or family, or society. But maybe you decided to expand your life, and even if you were fearful, you decided that it would be worth it. Maybe you used to be a victim of heterosexuality, and you weren’t sure what to expect when you decided to start queer dating.
Over time, you may have experienced new things and had multiple conversations with people. Maybe you’ve been frustrated, and you don’t even know how to have sex the right way, or how to date someone of the same sex, or even how to know if someone is interested in you. Even though these are basic questions, they might be confusing when you first come out.
After giving it a try, you can see that there are ways to have long-term relationships. Looking at your bisexuality can look different for you than it does for other people. Everyone has their own identity. If you want to know about queer dating, even though this isn’t a guide, it can give you 5 tips for queer dating that can help you in your new or continued journey.

What I’ve Learned About Queer Dating as a Bi Woman

Lesson 1: Learn to Take the Ls

Let’s just rip the bandage off: you’re going to take some Ls. Big ones. Maybe early. Maybe often. And yes, it sucks.
When I first came out as bi and started flirting with women, I felt like I was getting body-slammed by rejection every other week. I had never taken that many Ls in my life, not in school, not in my career, not even during my emo poetry phase. But dating queer women? I was out here catching Ls like it was my job.
And honestly? That’s normal. If you’re used to getting attention from men, like I was, you’ve probably learned a certain style of flirting. A look here, a little shoulder touch there. You know the signals. You know how to get a response. But queer flirting? Different ecosystem entirely.
Suddenly, the cues aren’t as clear, and the buttons you’re used to pressing don’t always work the same way.
I remember the first woman I really flirted with post-coming-out. We were at a group dinner, and I thought we had a moment. I even DMed her after, asking if she wanted to go out sometime. Her response? “I think we’d be better off as friends.”
Cue me immediately spiraling through everything I said that night like I was reviewing game tape. What went wrong? Did I talk too much? Laugh weird? Wear the wrong jacket?
But here’s the truth: queer attraction is specific. You might not be someone’s type — not because you did anything wrong, but because your gender expression, energy, or even communication style doesn’t align with what they’re into.
Sometimes you get disqualified before you even start, and you might never understand why.
Still, it’s not all bad news. The beautiful thing about the queer community is that while it might take time, there are people out there who will be into you exactly as you are. So, take the L. Shake it off. And keep going.

Lesson 2: You Can Flirt, Just Talk!

One of the most common things I hear from newly out bisexual women is: “I don’t know how to flirt with girls.” Yes, you do.
Flirting, regardless of gender, is just about showing interest. That’s it.
Ask questions. Stay present. Laugh at their jokes. Genuinely listen. If you’re comfortable, a little casual touch can go a long way. It doesn’t have to be some master plan or artful seduction. It’s just a connection.
What makes queer flirting feel trickier is that we’re often so nice to each other. Like, genuinely warm and affectionate, even when we’re not trying to date. So, it’s easy to misread signals or worry yours aren’t being received.
Here’s where I suggest getting bold. Casually mention your queerness in conversation. If you feel safe and ready, say something direct like, “Hey, I think you’re really lovely, would you ever want to grab coffee sometime, just the two of us?”
Clarity is kind. And honestly? Directness is hot.

Lesson 3: Queer Dating Can Feel Emotionally Intense

Dating straight men? Been there. Done that. But dating women and nonbinary folks? Whew. It’s a whole other emotional ecosystem.
In my experience, queer dating tends to be more emotionally charged in a good way, but also in a “suddenly you’re spiraling at 2 a.m. wondering what they meant by that emoji” kind of way.
It’s partly because there’s less structure. We’re not always following the same scripts or milestones. That means more talking, more processing, and more room for surprise.
One time, I spoke to a woman on the phone for 15 straight hours and then drove across state lines to meet her the next day. That was… not a thing I ever did with cis men.
The takeaway? Be open to experiences that unfold differently. Check your heteronormative dating expectations at the door. You’ll probably feel new things, do unexpected things, and maybe even grow in ways you didn’t anticipate. It’s beautiful. It’s messy. It’s very queer.

Lesson 4: Biphobia Is Real and It’s Not Your Fault

Let’s talk about something tough but necessary: biphobia.
When I first came out, I was surprised by how often I’d get judged not just by straight people, but by other queer folks. Some thought I wasn’t “queer enough.” Others were skeptical of my intentions. A few were outright mean about it.
And I get it — kind of. There’s a long history of bisexuality being misunderstood. But that doesn’t mean you need to put up with it. If someone makes you feel small or unworthy because you’re bisexual, leave them on read. You deserve a connection that comes with kindness, curiosity, and actual respect.
Yes, some lesbians are cautious because they’ve had past relationships that felt unstable or short-lived. But that’s about experience, not your identity.
Don’t let anyone reduce your worth to a stereotype. You’re not “too new.” You’re not “confused.” You’re bisexual and that’s valid, full stop.

Lesson 5: Sex Isn’t a Puzzle Box, You’ve Got This

If I hear “I don’t know how to have sex with women!” one more time, I swear I’m going to levitate.
Look. I get it. We didn’t grow up with great queer sex ed, or any, really! And the first time with someone new, regardless of gender, is always a little awkward. But sex with women or nonbinary folks isn’t some mysterious Rubik’s Cube.
Here’s the actual secret: just ask what feels good. Great sex comes down to curiosity, communication, and care. Period.
You don’t have to know everything going in. You just have to be enthusiastic and willing to learn.
Everybody is different. Preferences are shaped by life experience, trauma, dysphoria, and a million other things. So, the best thing you can bring into the bedroom isn’t a script, it’s presence and respect. And yes, they have guides on all of this. Look them up.

Lesson 6: Sex Doesn’t Determine Your Success

As you understand your sexuality, you need to make sure that you see your feelings as valid.
Your bisexuality doesn’t depend on who you have sex with or if you have sex with different genders. You can flirt and be successful at it, or you might not be.
The people that you date might be intimate with another queer, but this doesn’t make or break their bisexuality.
You might be bisexual and just not have had the connections that you hoped to have, but this can change as you go through your life.
Just be sincere and confident in what you want so that you can get the things that you hope for in your life.

Final Thoughts

Queer dating isn’t a game you have to master—it’s a space you get to explore. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to want connection deeply and still feel unsure about how to get there. Every awkward moment, every confusing feeling, every little win—they all count.
Whether you’re out and proud or still figuring things out in quiet corners of your life, your journey is yours. You’re not behind. You’re not too much. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re learning, expanding, becoming.
So flirt boldly. Love gently. Laugh at the weird stuff. And most importantly, don’t forget that you’re allowed to take up space in the dating world exactly as you are—bi, brilliant, and beautifully unfinished.