Finding a Partner

Traditionally, one would only undergo the search for a partner once in a life-time.  You would date someone in your teen-age years, then you would marry after college or starting a career.   That was it. You were together until death, or very rarely, divorce.

On the outset, it seems idyllic, but it didn’t necessarily mean happily ever after.  However, our current situation of dating many people and having many choices has a downside.  Yes, we have the option of moving on after making a poor choice, but after doing this over and over, we can become anxious about making mistakes. How do you make better choices?

• Back to the past

Examine your past choices.  What have you sought out? Do you see a pattern. If you had a tenuous childhood, do you seek to recreate the chaos?  Do you want the ideal passionate and romantic partner, only to find that you are only one in a string of many?  Look at your expectations. See which beliefs you are willing to leave behind.

• Prepare yourself

Ask yourself if you are truly ready for a relationship. Even though you think you want one, you may not need one.  If you have just ended a relationship, you may not be emotionally ready. Take some time for yourself and wait until you have the moved past your last love.

• Chemistry isn’t always trustworthy

Being in love isn’t bad at all, but the overwhelming crush of physical attraction isn’t entirely trustworthy.  First of all, that hormonal rush is an altered state as heady as a drug.  Falling in love is great; however, that heady feeling subsides after a few months and you may find yourself in a place you don’t want to be.

• Focus on the relationship not the person

People often make the mistake of seeking out a type of person and not on the relationship itself.  If you’re type-casting the perfect parter, be it physical or financial characteristics, you are going to miss out on a lot of potential quality relationship.  If you truly want a life-time of happiness, look to building a quality partnership.

• Look a little deeper

Think about what you truly need, values, goals and a personality that compliments yours.  Make sure  you see eye to eye with these things before you plunge into permanence.

• Make sure your expectations are realistic

One of the problems with our fast paced lives is that we want what we want immediately.  We tend to forget that relationships involve people and people are not perfect. No one person can fulfill one hundred percent of our needs. But if you partner meets most of you needs, you are doing very well.  Do not settle for good enough, but look to see if you are happy most of the time.

• Emotional availability

Probably the most important factor in a quality relationships is emotional availability.  Does you partner give you the support you need? Are they willing to be supportive of you emotionally? And are you willing to be there for them? Lack of support will lead to a toxic relationship that you may find yourself stuck in.

• Give it 90 days

When you start a relationship, give it time to develop. Over a three month time period you will see the patterns begin to form.  At this time, ask yourself if this is a good situation for you. If not, it is highly unlikely that a dramatic change will occur.