Relationship Help
Communicating with a Partner that is Avoidant

Communicating with a Partner that is Avoidant

The attachment theory tells you that there are three different kinds of styles which include anxious, avoidant, and secure. Each of these can reveal to you what kind of relationship that you will have with someone.

No matter what you have experienced in your past, the truth is that we form attachment styles as children. When we have an avoidant attachment style it means that we want to be close to someone, but we cannot find a way to be in a relationship with them.

Negative Feelings

People with this attachment style will think that they are okay one day, but they will feel hurt another day. They will have a hard time communicating with their partner and in a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to celebrate each other and have healthy issues.

How to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner

You must find a way to be in a healthy relationship if you are dating an avoidant personality. Here are some ways to do that:

Let Them Come to You

Do not ever try to force this person to talk to you. This will only lead to a fight. You don’t have to constantly check on them or call them because they will come to you when they want to talk.

Let them come to you before you come to them. After a fight, give them time to think it through and to call you. If they have avoidant attachment, then they might not want to be intimate, and you have to learn to take this slow.

If this person seems to be in their own world, let them have alone time. Don’t think something is wrong but give them time that they need.

Be aware that you need to go slow with this kind of relationship.


You need to set boundaries with an avoidant partner. You need to know when they need space, and you need to let them figure out what they need.

Once you learn to deal with this the right way, having boundaries will be healthy for you and them.

Be Reliable

Show your partner that you are reliable, and you are there for them. If they need time alone, give it to them. Respect them for what they want and need.

Tell them that you are there to talk to them when they need you and when they are ready, and you will form a strong bond with them.

When you promise to do something for them, do it. Do not tell their secrets or betray them. They have to know that they can trust you so that they can love you.


If you have a disagreement with this person, face it. Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts on things, and it is normal to have some conflict.

Do not avoid these things and learn to live in the moment. If you both avoid conflict, then you will never know how to solve things together.


Find out what you have together that is common and talk about it. Find interests that you both have and do hobbies together.

You will learn about each other along the way and the more you talk and communicate the better the relationship will be.

Find Out How They Feel

Never forget to ask your partner how they feel. Learn to talk about things and let the conversation go slow.

It is hard for avoidant people to open up and when your partner feels too shy to talk about what they are feeling, don’t push them but try to talk to them in a slow and understanding way.

Text them in the day and find out how their day is going. Tell them what you are feeling and what bothers you and makes you happy.

Talk about your health and other things so that they can get used to conversation.


We all have some kind of fears, and this is someone that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Even if they don’t open up to you, open up to them and show them that they can talk to you, and you will understand.

Let them know that it is normal to have fears and to be afraid.

Flaws and Imperfections

Talk about the flaws that you have and learn to embrace whatever flaws your partner has. Show them that you accept them for who they are.

This can get them to open up about their own flaws and help them to see that people aren’t perfect.

Future Talk

You need to talk about the future, and this is something you need to do together. Talk about what the future plans are in general and then find out if the future has you in the picture.

This will give you answers so that you can understand where your relationship is going. It may take a while for them to give you this information.

Be Patient

People with avoidant attachment style often lack in patience. Learn the habits that your partner has and their limits and boundaries.

Find things that you can do together and prove yourself that you will be loyal, and you really love them.

It takes time to build connections with people and you need to learn to start slow. Never rush things and take your time in building the relationship.

Connecting with Your Avoidant Partner

Here are some ways to connect with your partner without being hurt by them:

  • Personal space-do not invade their personal space and give them time to be alone when they need it. Accept them for what they are doing and who they are. These people will often need space and you need to give it to them.
  • When your partner needs time, let them have it. Let them have alone time and accept them for who they are.
  • Do not pressure them for answers and don’t try to make them do what you want just because you want something.
  • You need to understand their attachment style and if you fall in love with them for who they are then you will not want to change them. Show them respect and be okay with their behavior.
  • You can prove that you are trustworthy and that you care for them and love them. Never tell their secrets and let them learn to be confident with you. The more respect that you have for them the more they will love you.
  • You need to listen more than you talk and allow them to express themselves. Get your partner to open up and talk to them about their past.
  • If you need counseling, go, and get it. You can find therapy that helps couples along the way.
  • Remember that avoidant people don’t play hard to get, and they don’t want to be the way that they are.

All couples go through hard things and when you love someone you have to fight hard to make things work out. Learn to communicate with your partner and keep the relationship with your avoidant partner strong.

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