When a partner hurts you and then says they love you, you may spend a great deal of time trying to understand the contradiction. Their feelings do not make threats, violence, humiliation or control acceptable.
You do not need to establish the perfect explanation before seeking support. Start with what the person is doing, how it affects your choices and what would help you be safer.
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Distinguish conflict from abuse
Partners can disagree, feel angry or make a mistake without using fear to control each other. Abuse involves conduct such as threats, intimidation, violence or restrictions on a partner’s freedom. It should not be reduced to a shared failure to communicate.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s explanation of abusive behaviour focuses on power and control. You do not have to accept blame for another person’s decision to harm you.
This can affect people of any gender. A checklist about how men or women supposedly behave cannot tell you what an individual feels or predict whether they will change.
Do not treat stress or illness as an excuse
Work pressure, financial worries, past trauma, substance use or a mental health condition may be part of someone’s life. They do not remove your right to safety or make you responsible for preventing their harmful conduct.
A diagnosis cannot be inferred from abuse, and having a mental illness does not establish that someone is abusive. The Hotline’s guide to abuse and mental illness explains why these concerns need to be distinguished.
Likewise, kindness in public does not cancel harm in private. You can take what happens to you seriously without proving how the person treats everyone else.
Look for responsibility in actions
An apology may matter to you, but it does not create an obligation to reconcile. Consider whether the person names their behaviour without blaming you, respects your choices and takes responsibility for seeking appropriate help.
You do not have to supervise their treatment, provide unlimited chances or remain available while they work on change. Promises and affectionate moments cannot guarantee future safety.
If you feel safe discussing an ordinary relationship problem, you might agree on a concrete change. When there is coercion, fear or violence, start with specialist support rather than assuming a joint conversation or couples counselling is the safest next step.
Choose support around your circumstances
A domestic abuse advocate can discuss options whether you stay, leave or are undecided. Practical planning may involve housing, children, finances, work and a safer way to communicate. There is no single departure or contact rule that fits every situation.
If your device use may be monitored, consider using a safer device to seek help. Private browsing alone does not hide all activity.
In the United States, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Elsewhere, contact a local domestic abuse service. For immediate danger, contact emergency services.
You can care about someone and still decide that their behaviour is unacceptable. Your need for support does not depend on proving whether their claim of love is sincere.
I find it ironic that this article speaks about men abusing women while ignoring the fact that women can be abusive too. Emotional and physical abuse can happen from anyone, regardless of gender. It’s not just a male issue.
Honestly, this content is a bit repetitive. We get it, love shouldn’t hurt! But what about solutions? It feels like just another article crying out about the problem without offering practical advice for those in these situations.
This discussion about mental health and its relation to abusive behavior is crucial but often overlooked in mainstream dialogue. It’s important to recognize that mental health issues do not excuse abuse but highlight the need for intervention and support.
‘It’s all mental health’ sounds like a convenient justification for bad behavior! We can’t keep letting people off the hook without accountability!
‘Mental health’ is used way too often as an excuse nowadays! People should take responsibility for their actions instead of hiding behind labels.
While the article raises important points, I think it oversimplifies the issue. Not all men who exhibit anger or stress are abusers. We need to consider individual circumstances before labeling someone as abusive.
This piece really takes me back! I mean who needs a therapist when we have articles like this? Just sprinkle some common sense on these issues and voila—love problems solved!
‘Love hurts’ seems more like a sad country song than real advice! Seriously, if your partner hurts you, it’s time to run—not reflect on their childhood trauma!